10 Things Men Won't Say 1. Let's watch Lifetime! 2. Sex is overrated. 3. I don't want to go too far on the first date. 4. Yes, I did notice your sister's breasts are bigger than yours. 5. There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book. 6. I'm glad I don't have a large penis. 7. My hips are too big. 8. Aw, can't we watch Oprah? 9. Does this suit make me look fat? 10. I'll never get tired listening to Celine Dion. Rate the joke: 1 2 3 4 5 164 people already rated this joke. Send this joke to a friend Start your day smiling with a funny joke by SMS. A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!" The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The drunk looks up and says, "God? Is this God trying to warn me?" The voice says "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK." Rate the joke: 1 2 3 4 5 14 people already rated this joke. Send this joke to a friend Start your day smiling with a funny joke by SMS. A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, "Hmm, a beer would be really nice right now." So he began to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says, "Bud Light please." The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, "What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis." The bartender, calming the man, said, "Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I'll serve you a drink." The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, "Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I'll order when I come up with something." So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin." The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice, "I call my Ford, because it is built ram tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?" Again, the man quickly turns away. Then, suddenly he says, "Bartender, come here, I am ready to order." The bartender says, "What'll ya have?" The man says, "A Bud Light please." The bartender asks, "What is the name of your penis?" The man responds, "Secret... strong enough for a man but made for a woman." Rate the joke: 1 2 3 4 5 18 people already rated this joke. Send this joke to a friend Start your day smiling with a funny joke by SMS. 20 Types You Meet in the Men's Room 1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts. 2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not. 3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed. 4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later. 5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink. 6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor. 7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection. 8) Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs. 9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants. 10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble. 11) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed. 12) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand. 13) Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants. 14) Tough -- Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry. 15) Efficient -- Waits until he has to crap and does both. 16) Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower. 17) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns. 18) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants. 19) Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away. 20) Conceited -- Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat. Rate the joke: 1 2 3 4 5 36 people already rated this joke. Send this joke to a friend Start your day smiling with a funny joke by SMS.