If you recognize yourself in any of the situations below, you're in real
trouble. On the other hand, if you do, chances are that you don't care
anyway.
Drinkers' Troubleshooting Guide
Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and shirt front is wet.
Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of
face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with
as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and beer unusually pale and
clear.
Fault : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
Fault : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its
owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom : Lap cool and wet.
Fault : Drooling on yourself.
Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.
Symptom : Bar blurred.
Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom : Bar moving.
Fault : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain
loudly that you are being hijacked.
Symptom : Bar looks like a circus.
Fault : You're at a circus.
Solution : Go to a bar.
Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a
fluorescent strip across it.
Fault : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking
arm, stay put.
If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and
cigarette butts.
Fault : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!
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A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son
was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can,
with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is
proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink
for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the
bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his
first
sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of
joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands
he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the
left.... then to the right.... right through the front door,
into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills
him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says "That boy should have quit
while he was a head."
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Highway Patrolman
A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust.
At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The
man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around
the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.
After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned
his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into
the grass, then stopped.
Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to
drive away.
The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man
over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the
man blew a 0.00.
The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I am the designated decoy!"
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Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and
says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger
than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then he went over
to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your
butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"
The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night, Ted is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little
weenie?"
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