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Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

A:About 50 pounds!!

Q:What is the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?

A:About 50 minutes!!


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George (Strongest man in the world),
placed a standing $1000 bet: He would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice
ran into a glass. Anyone who could
squeeze one more drop of juice would
win the money.
Many people had tried over time but
nobody could do it. One day this scrawny
little man came in, wearing thick
glasses and a polyester suit, and
said in a tiny, squeaky voice,
"I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down George
grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains
of the rind to the little man.
But George's laughter turned to total
silence as the man clenched his fist
around the lemon and seven drops fell
into the glass. Embarrassed George
payed the $1000, and asked the little man,
"what do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied," I work for the IRS."


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A rather attractive woman goes up to
the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman.
When he arrives, she seductively signals
that he should bring his face close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently
caress his beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly
caressing his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me?" she says,
running her hands up beyond his beard and
into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" mumbles the barman.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to pass him
a message" she continues huskily,
sticking a couple of fingers into his
mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper
in the ladies room."


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George and his wife are going to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into
his office alone, and says: "Your husband is
suffering from a very severe disease, combined
with horrible stress. If you don't do the following,
your husband will surely die."
"Every morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner
prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your
problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
And most importantly...make love with your
husband several times a week and satisfy his
every whim. If you can do this for the next 10
months to a year, I think your husband will
regain his health completely."
On the way home, George asked his wife,
"What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.


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