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Teacher: "Matt, if your father has $5, and he gives
you how many dollars does he have?"
Matt: "5$"
Teacher: "Matt, you don't know your math!"
Matt: "You don't know my father!"


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One day in Sunday school, the teacher was giving
the class a lesson about stories with morals.
"Now," said the teacher, "does anyone have a
story with a moral they would like to share with
the class?"
Little Jenny raised her hand and the teacher
asked her to tell her story.
She said, "Once upon a time there was a little
girl who had to take some eggs to her grandmother.
She put them all in a basket, but on the way there,
she dropped the basket, and all the eggs broke,
and her grandma didn't get any eggs!"
"And what is the moral of your story?" asked
the teacher. Jenny said, "Don't put all of your
eggs in one basket."
"That was very good, Jenny", said the teacher.
"Who else has a story?"
Another little girl raised her hand. "Go on, Emma,
tell your story," said the teacher.
Emma stood up and said, "Well, once there was a
lady who raised chickens on a farm. Her chickens
laid a dozen eggs, and she planned to sell all
the chicks that came from them, but when they
hatched, she only got ten live chickens to sell.
And the moral of my story is, "Don't count your
chickens until they're hatched."
The little girl sat back down and Johnny raised
his hand.
"Let's hear your story, Johnny," said the teacher.
Johnny stood up and said, "Well, my Uncle Frank
was a helicopter pilot in Vietnam. One day his
chopper got shot at and he knew he was going
down over enemy territory. All he had on board
was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
So he grabbed them all and bailed out. He drank
the whiskey on the way down and then he landed
right smack dab in the middle of an enemy village."
"He looked up and saw a hundred of the enemy all
around him, all armed with knives and ready to
kill him! Well, he killed seventy of them with the
machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he
killed twenty-five more with the machete, then
the blade broke and then he killed the last five
with his bare hands!"
"Good heavens," said the teacher, "That's umm...
quite a story. But what kind of moral could that have?"
Johnny said, "Don't mess with Uncle Frank when
he's been drinking!"


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Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: because 7 8 9 (7 ate 9)


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Tom had this problem of getting up late
in the morning and was always late for
work. His boss was mad at him and
threatened to fire him if he didn't do
something about it. So Tom went to his
doctor who gave him a pill and told him
to take it before he went to bed. Tom
slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm
in the morning. He had a leisurely
breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss,
"But where were you yesterday?"


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