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Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so
they have to go into court on a Friday.
They go to court and the judge says,
"If you can convince more than 5 people
to stop doing drugs for the rest of their
lives, you won't be sent to jail."
So the two men agree and the judge tells
them to come back on Monday. So the two
guys come back on Monday and the judge
asks how they did.
"I got 17 people to get off drugs," says
the first guy.
"Wow, how'd you do that?" asks the judge.
"I used circles. I told them that this large
circle is your brain before drugs and this
small circle is your brain after drugs."
"Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy.
"I convinced 156 people to get off drugs."
"Wow. How'd you do that?" asked the judge.
"Well, I used circles too. I told them this
small circle is your butthole before prison."


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An almost blind guy walked into a
sexy lingerie shop to purchase their
most see-through item for his wife.
After receiving some help from the
store clerk, he bought a lace teddy
for $600 and brought it home for his
wife to try on. She took it upstairs
and realized that it didn't quite fit.
But, she figured, since it's supposed
to be see-through and since he's
almost blind, she might as well wear
nothing at all. So she came downstairs
completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her.
"For the amount I paid, they could've
at least ironed the damn thing."


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Once there were two twins, Joe and John.
Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old
boat, which sank the same day that John's
wife died. A few days later, a kindly old
woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You
must just feel terrible."
"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to
be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing
right from the beginning. Her bottom was
all shriveled up and she smelled like old
dead fish. She was always losing her water,
she had a bad crack in the back and a
pretty big hole in the front too. Every
time I used her, her hole got bigger and
she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally
finished her off was when I rented her to
these four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn't very good,
but they wanted to use her anyhow. The
fools tried to get in her all at once
and she split right up the middle."


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Jones came into the office an hour
late for the third time in one week
and found the boss waiting for him.
"What's the story this time, Jones?"
he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear
a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong
this morning, Boss. The wife decided
to drive me to the station. She got
ready in ten minutes, but then the
drawbridge got stuck. Rather than
let you down, I swam across the river
-look, my suit's still damp, ran out
to the airport, got a ride on Mr.
Thompson's helicopter, landed on top
of Radio City Music Hall, and was
carried here piggyback by one of the
Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that,
Jones," said the boss, obviously
disappointed. "No woman can get ready
in ten minutes."


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