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An elderly man emigrating to Israel was asked
by a customs officer to open his suitcases.
Inside the first bag were bundles of one dollar bills.
"How did you acquire this money?"
"You're not going to believe but for years I've
traveled around the United States and everywhere
I went I visited men's public rest rooms. Every
time I found a man peeing I would take out my
knife and tell the peeing man, 'Give me a dollar
for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles'".
"That's a very interesting story. And what's in
your other bag?"
"You wouldn't believe how many people don't
support Israel."


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Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering
who to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein" a heavily-accented voice said.
"This is Yitzhak down in Tel Aviv, Israel.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially
declaring war on you!"
"Well, Yitzhak," Saddam replied, "This is important
news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Yitzhak after a
moment's calculation, "there is me, my cousin Saul,
my next-door neighbor Shlomo, and the entire
pinnochle team from the deli-that makes eight!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Yitzhak, that I
have one million men in my army waiting to move
on my command."
"Oy vey!" said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Yitzhak rang back.
"Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We
have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Yitzhak?"
Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer
and Goldberg's tractor from the kibbutz."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you,
Yitzhak, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14
thousand armored personnel carriers, and my
army has increased to one and a half million
since we last spoke."
"Really?!" said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring
you back!" Sure enough, Yitzhak rang again the next day.
"Right, Mr.Hussein, the war is still on! We have
managed to get ourselves airborne! We've
modified Moshe's ultralight with a couple
of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team
has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed.
"I must tell you Yitzhak that I have 10 thousand
bombers, 20 thousand MIG-19 attack planes,
my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided
surface-to-air missile sites, and since we
last spoke, my army has increased to two million."
"Oy gevalt!", said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring
you back." Sure enough, Yitzhak called again
the next day.
"Right, Mr Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that
we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the
sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Yitzhak, "We've all had a chat,
and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."


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one day an indian man went to jerusalem he stopped a
taxi and said hey, take me to river jordan and the
atxi man said it`s $20.the man screamed $20!o.k let`s
go...when they got there he saw a ferryboat and asked
the ferryman,how much is it to cross river jordan and
the f.man satd $50.the man screamed $50! no wonder
jesus walked upon the sea.


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An Army base staff that was planning war games
did not want to use live ammunition. Instead
they informed the men: "In place of a rifle,
you go 'Bang, bang'. In place of a knife you go,
'Stab, stab'. In place of a hand grenade you go,
'Lob, lob.'"
The game was in progress when one of the soldiers
saw one of the enemy. He went, "Bang, bang" but
nothing happened. He ran forward and went
"Stab, stab" but nothing happened. He ran back
and went "Lob, lob" but nothing happened.
Finally he walked up to the enemy and said,
"You are not playing fair. I went, 'Bang, bang'
and 'Stab, stab' and 'Lob, lob' and you haven't
fallen dead yet!"
The enemy responded, "Rumble, rumble. I'm a tank."


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