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Two men are talking in the pub about their forthcoming holidays.

"I'm taking my wife on an African Safari." Said the first man.

His friend asked, "Isn't that a bit dangerous? What would you do if a ferocious lion
attacked her?"

"Nothing!" Replied the first man.

"What! You wouldn't do anything?"

"Nah." Said the first man. "Let the stupid bloody lion fend for itself!



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Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there
was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her
rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup!!!

It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out
of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car usingmy knees against the
steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee
between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and
DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!

WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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A couple were at it on the sofa when the phone rang.

"Who was it?" the guy asked.

"My husband," she replied.

"I better get going then," the guy said "Where was when he phoned?"

"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."


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Jesus, Moses and an old man were teeing off on the 16th hole on heaven's golf course.

The 16th hole is a par 3 (short) over a lake. Moses, the first to tee off, steps up and
swings, and the ball dives right for the water.

He instantly spreads his arms, the water parts, and the ball rolls across the bottom of
the lake and up on to the green.

The others complement him on his shot, and then Jesus steps up for his turn.

Like Moses, Jesus' ball heads straight for the water, but when it gets there, it just
rolls across the surface of the lake, continuing until
it gets across and rolls up onto the green.

After showering him with complements, the old man steps up to take his shot.

His ball also dives for the lake, but bounces off the back of a turtle and
on to the far shore. There, a squirrel picks up the ball and heads
for the woods.

As the others begin to laugh, a hawk swoops down and picks up the squirrel. As the hawk
flies over the green, it squeezes the squirrel.

The ball falls out of the squirrels mouth, bounces once on the green, and then rolls into
the cup.

Jesus turns to the man and says, "Nice shot dad!"


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