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Bob Hope on ageing


ON TURNING 70: "You still chase women, but only downhill."

ON TURNING 80: "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs
pressing."

ON TURNING 90: "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100: "I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's
time for my nap."



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A young boy went to the store with his grandmother. On the way home, he looked at the
items she had purchased.

He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "queen size."

Excited, the boy turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look, Grandma! You wear the
same size as your bed."


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An IRS agent stepped into a synagogue looking for the rabbi.

"Rabbi," he said when he found him," do you know a Mr. Morris Katz?"

"Well, yes, I do," said the rabbi.

"Is he a member of your congregation?" asked the agent.

"Uh, yes, he is," said the rabbi, "why do you ask?"

"I'm from the IRS. Can you tell me something? Did he make the $100,000 donation to the
synagogue, that he claimed on his tax return?" asked the IRS agent.

"I would have to check our records," replied the rabbi, "butn if he hasn't, I can assure
you that he will!"



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The city of Paris lost the chance to host the 2012 Olympics and they're very bitter about
it.

Apparently the Parisians are disappointed because they were looking forward to being rude
to thousands of new people.

-Conan O'Brien


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