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A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so
easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's
bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too
was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming
concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm
trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by
a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and
abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I
then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how
despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.



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A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven
at the same moment.

They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the
Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer
apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets,
a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and
a swimming pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and
the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made.

He asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was
the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the
finest of everything?"

The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of popes here, but you're the first
lawyer we've ever had."


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A married couple is lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read
a book.

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.

He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his
book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking
some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?

His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.

The husband says, No, not at all.

His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?

I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.



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Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get
it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.

The first Friday the question was, "How many gallons of water is there in the whole
world."

No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.

Next Friday, the question was, "How many grains of sand is there in the whole world."

No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.

By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on
Monday.

So he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked
the question he rolled the two blach ping-pong balls up to her.

She said, "Who is the comedian with two black balls?"

Little Johnny said, "Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday."



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