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John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help
noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship
between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if
there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts,
John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are
just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it,
do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my
house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one
has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not
saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the
gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day...Don't Lie To Your Mother.


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One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a
doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose
anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell
you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to
the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief
pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change
medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his
dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the
concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited
the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out
the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better....


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The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words.

She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with
more than one syllable.

"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"

After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.

"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know another word?"

Johnny from the back of the room yells, "I do! I do!"

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your
word."

"Saturday", says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone
Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K.
Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables!
That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."


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Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making
dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to
tell his mother what he wanted."Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Johny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at
home.

Johny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for
his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did.

Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the
last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I
want a red one.
Your friend,
Johnny

Johnny knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God, This is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year and I would
like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Johnny

Johnny knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my
birthday.
Johnny

Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. Johnny
was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go church.

"Just be home in time for dinner", his mother said.

Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see
if anyone was there.

He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary and slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the
church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and
a pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:
I'VE GOT YOUR MOM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed
YOU KNOW WHO



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