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There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy
and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here,
I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late
to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found
out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home
and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver
just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the
gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my

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John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help
noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship
between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if
there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts,
John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are
just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it,
do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my
house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one
has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not
saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the
gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day...Don't Lie To Your Mother.

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One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose
anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell
you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to
the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief
pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change
medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his
dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited
the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out
the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better....

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The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words.

She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with
more than one syllable.

"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"

After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.

"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know another word?"

Johnny from the back of the room yells, "I do! I do!"

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your

"Saturday", says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone
Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K.
Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables!
That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."

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