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How to take your puppy's photo

1. Remove film from box and load camera.

2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

3. Remove puppy from trash, brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

4. Choose a suitable background for photo.

5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.

6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

11. Put cat outside, put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.

12. Put magazines back on coffee table.

13. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"

16. Clean up mess.

17. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" soon.



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One evening I was driving my eight-year-old daughter to her grandparents' home for an
overnight stay.

It was late, there was very little traffic, and we were enjoying a peaceful ride.

It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various
activities during rush hour.

My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, "I have a question."

"What do you want to know?" I responded.

"Mom, when you're driving," she asked, "are YOU ever the idiot?"



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A middle-aged man marries a younger woman but discovers that no matter what he does in
bed, she won't orgasm.

So he takes the problem to his doctor who explains that maybe fantasy sex is the answer.

So the man hires a young, charming male escort and has him stand naked while waving a
towel over the couple as they are having sex. They try it but to no avail.

The man goes back to his doctor who suggests trying things the opposite way around, with
the escort having sex with the woman whilst the man waves the towel.

Now becoming desperate, the man gets the same escort and tries the doctor's method.

Soon the woman bursts into a great orgasm and the man throws down the towel, taps the
escort on the shoulder and shouts triumphantly, "See, thats how you wave a bloody towel!"


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After 20 years two college rivals bumped into each other.

"Do you remember how I used to be so fat and flabby?' asked the first. "Well, I've been on
an exercise program for a few years, and now I run marathons."

"Thats great!" replied the other man.

"And," the first man continued, "Do you remember how I used to be shy and a poor student?
Well, I took a course in public speaking, and now I make hundreds of thousands of dollars
a year on the lecture circuit."

"That's great!" came the reply.

"Oh, and how about you?" the first man asked. "Have you changed at all?"

"Well, yes I have, replied the second man. "Remember how brutally honest I used to be,
and how when someone said something uninteresting, I would reply, 'I couldn't care less?'

"Well now I just say, 'Thats great!'"


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