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A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work.

The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding
flowers from the flower bed.

So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores
the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes
over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it
really is as wide as the grill!"

She ignores this remark as well.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky.

The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener,
you are sadly mistaken."


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The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately,
the peach orchard had done really well.

The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middle man and sell
the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to
town.

Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went
up and knocked on the door.

A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey,
what can I do for you?"

Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale".
The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her
robe showing her breasts.

She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"

Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."

So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they
be succulent and delicious like this?"

The old farmer popped out crying and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."

She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"

The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevels ate
all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."



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Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a
sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."


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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here
at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee and says, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were
dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I
do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father
caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."



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