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Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car
accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an
accident.

They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the
waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two
fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"

Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is
inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed
her."

Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to
prevent pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll
have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers
must be changed at least five times a day."

Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll
have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm
afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid
effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench
into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm
just fucking with you, she's dead."


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A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess
which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the
couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."

Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her," she says.


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This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her
flight.

When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your
fortune.

So she thought to herself I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me.

So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said,
Your a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois.

So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells
everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again.

So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said,
your nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to play a fiddle.

She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in
my life.

She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the
fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.

She looked back at the machine and said this is incredible I've got to try it again.

So she went back to the machine put her nickel in another card came out and it said, your
a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to break wind.

She thinks I know it's wrong now I've never broke wind in public a day in my life, well
she tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule.

So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself this is
truly unbelievable, I've got to try it again.

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said, your a nun,
you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to have sex.

She said ah-hah that does it I know for sure its wrong now, I'm a nun, ain't ever had
none, and ain't ever gonna get none.

Well a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off and she got
raped... She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this is
truly, truly, incredible.

But one thing is for certain, I've got to try it again just to see what is gonna happen to
me before I leave this airport.

She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said. Your a
nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled, farted, fucked around and missed your flight to
Chicago!!!!!!!!


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Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He notices a
good looking prostitute.

She sees this and calls out "Fifty dollars!" He's tempted, but the price is a little high
so he calls back "Five!" She'd disgusted and turns away and Bill continues his jog.

A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as
luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she won't come down on her price.

"Fifty!" she shouts and Bill answers her "Five!" No sale.

About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into
shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill.

They get to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there.

She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells "See what you get for five dollars!"


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