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A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family, a weeping wife and four children.

Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and the youngest
is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," The husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I
want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my
mother's grave that you are his father."

The man dies happy.

The wife mutters under her breath, "Thank God he didn't ask me about the other three!"


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A man & wife entered a dentist's office.

The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a
terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is.

The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth
it is, dear."



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An old man lived alone in Missouri. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very
hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Jefferson City Prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's
where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, two dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden,
without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking
him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Now you can plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at
this time."



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The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to
death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a
hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand
your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge
you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for
fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a
hammer, he said he didn't have one."


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