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The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to
death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a
hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand
your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge
you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for
fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a
hammer, he said he didn't have one."


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A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a
storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a
few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, the guy got into the back seat, closed the door and then
realized there was nobody behind the wheel!

The car started slowly, the guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way.

Scared, he started to pray begging for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just
before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time right before a
curve.

Gathering his strength, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town.


Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the horrible
experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was serious.

About half an hour later, two guys walked in the same restaurant. They looked around for a
table when one said to the other,

"Look John, that's the guy who got in the car when we were pushing it."


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A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her
age, it isn't polite." the mother warns.

"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your
business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends
begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a
report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."


The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"

The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."

"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?"

To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."


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Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads
for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up
yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?"

He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane
glue."


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