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A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a
trip to Rome with her boyfriend.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who responded, "Why would anyone want to go to
Rome? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to
Rome."

"So how are you getting there?"

"We're flying Continental," was the reply. We got a good rate."

"Continental," exclaimed the hairdresser, "that's a terrible airline. Their planes are
old. Their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late."
"So, where are you staying in Rome?", asked the hairdresser.

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left side called Teste...."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special
and exclusive but it's really a dump - the worst hotel in the whole city! The rooms are
small, the service is surly and they're way overpriced."
"So, whatcha doing when you get there?", quizzed the hairdresser.

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we are hoping to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser, "you and a million other people trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're sure
going to need it."

A month later, the woman, all smiling, came in for her hair appointment. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was absolutely wonderful," explained the woman, "not only did we arrive on time in one
of Continental's brand new jets but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first
class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year old steward who
waited on me hand and foot."

"And the hotel - it was fabulous! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now
it's just a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked so they
apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge"

"Well, muttered the hairdresser, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope.

"Actually, we were quite lucky because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me
on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors
and if I'd be so kind to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally
greet me."
"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Holy Father walked through the door and shook my
hand. I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the hairdresser, "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where did you get that crappy hairdo?"


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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that
it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,

"Pardon me, madam.

I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high
wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are
exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down
there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"


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THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
If you love something,
Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours,
If it doesn't, it never was yours....

THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

THE OPTIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Don't worry, she will come back.

THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

THE IMPATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit,
forget her.

THE PATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back...

THE PLAYFUL VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat *

THE LAWYER'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act
clearly states that...

THE TECHNOLOGY COMPANY VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she's also going to
get an upgrade.

THE STATISTICIAN'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high.
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:
If you love somebody don't ever set her free.

THE MBA VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free... instantaneously...
and look for others simultaneously.

THE PSYCHOLOGIST'S VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant.
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme.
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

THE MARKETING VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty.
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.


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Uncle Jon was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four-year-old Great
Nephew, James, standing at the fence, wide-eyed and soaking in the whole event.

Uncle Jon thought to himself: "Great, now I'm gonna have to explain the 'birds and bees'
to him. Well, no need to jump the gun. I'll just wait and see if he has any questions, and
I'll just answer them as best I can."

After Uncle Jon finished helping the cow with her birthing, he walked over to James and
asked him: "Do you have any questions about what you seen here tonight?"

"Just one," the little boy whispered, eyes still wide with wonder. "How fast was that calf
going when he hit the cow?"


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