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During the French revolution, hundreds of people were guillotined. One day, three men were
led up to die. One was a lawyer, one was a doctor, and the third was an engineer.

The lawyer was to die first. He was led to the guillotine, the attending priest blessed
him, and he knelt with his head on the guillotine.

The blade was released, but stopped halfway down its path. The priest, seeing an
opportunity, quickly said, "Gentlemen, God has spoken and said this man is to be spared;
we cannot kill him." The executioner agreed, and the lawyer was set free.

The doctor was next. He was blessed by the priest, then knelt and placed his head down.
The blade was released, and again stopped halfway down.

Again the priest intervened: "Gentlemen, God has again spoken; we cannot kill this man."
The executioner agreed and the doctor was set free.

At last it was the engineer's turn. He was blessed by the priest, and knelt, but before he
placed his head on the guillotine he looked up. Suddenly, he leapt to his feet and cried,
"Oh, I see the problem!"


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A male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could
never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love
with a elf nurse.

One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft
music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of
his problem.

"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."

Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots
smaller than that."

"Really?" the relieved elf asked.

She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."



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A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as
untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police.

"For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my
gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my
bedroom."

When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him "Why so much urgency for
your watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?"

"What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What
did you do?"

"I gave it to the first one," said the wife, "he knew exactly where it was."


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Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from
the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven
years old.

They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a
pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the
car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."
He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be
here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said
calmly.


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