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There was an atheist who's boat was drowned in the ocean.
He started to swim to the beach. All of the sudden he
sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming
like crazy. The beach is a ways off and he starts swimming
faster and faster. He's scared to death, and as he turns
to see the jaws of the shark open revealing its teeth,
the atheist screams, "Oh God! Please help me!"
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines
down from above. The man is motionless in the water when
he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist.
Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true
I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you
make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted
back into the heavens and the man could feel the water
begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the
shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden
the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast
closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you
Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."


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This lady approaches a priest and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have these two
talking female parrots, but they only know
how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest asked.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes.
Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But
I have a solution to your problem. Bring your
two talking female parrots over to my house and
I will put them with my two male talking parrots
who I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying
that terrible phrase and your female parrots will
learn to pray and worship."
"Thank you," said the lady.
The next day, the lady brings her female parrots
to the priest's house. The priest's two male
parrots are holding rosary beads and praying
in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with
the male talking parrots and the female parrots
say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have
some fun?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male
parrot and screams, "Paul! Put the Bibles away
--our prayers have been answered!"


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There was once a man from the city who was
visiting a small farm, and during this visit
he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most
extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift
a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig
would eat the apples off the tree directly.
The farmer would move the pig from one apple
to another until the pig was satisfied, then
he would start again with another pig. The
city man watched this activity for some time
with great astonishment. Finally, he could
not resist saying to the farmer, "This is
the most inefficient method of feeding pigs
that I can imagine. Just think of the time
that would be saved if you simply shook the
apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them
from the ground!"
The farmer looked puzzled and replied,
"What's time to a pig?"


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One fall day Peter was out raking leaves when
he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following
the first hearse was a second hearse, which was
followed by a man walking solemnly along,
followed by a dog, and then 200 men walking in
single file. Intrigued, Peter went up to the
man following the second hearse and asked him
who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Peter. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died", said the man.
Peter then asked the man who was in the second hearse.
The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit
her and she died as well."
Peter thought about this for a while. He finally
asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"
To which the man replied, "Get in line."


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