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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son
playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get
the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are
getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.

Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come
out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are
disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you
will ride with us again soon.

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all
of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.

We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about
the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course
when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner
didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the
company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini
sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look?..."

"I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked
through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the
window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!

What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The
bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the
neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are
you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a
thousand dollars here....."

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through
the woods, and they came across a golden frog.

They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't
often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that
they could have 3 wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females.

The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash

One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr.
Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish.

He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog
granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board
and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he
could have had for himself.

Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were
females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was
gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

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Recently a "Husband Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many
men. It was laid out in five floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from
that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place,
never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign
and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder
what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good
looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids
and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely
good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the
fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are
impossible to please. The exit is to your left."

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