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To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36
times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I
didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times
you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4
times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell
you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started
thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby


To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than
you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You
seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't
talking about the crack in the ceiling.

What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing
around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on
your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations
with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to
cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling

One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All
excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is
surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to
try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minutes slap and tickle, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure
enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctors
orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face,
bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in
the air!"

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One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to
escape the cold.

The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his
little flee legs.

Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'.

The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so
very coldddd!"

The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the
airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come
along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm".

The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea.

The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches

The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his
little flea legs.

About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling
about how cold he was.

The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here
nice and warm?"

To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode
and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so
very warm.

Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I
was, right back on that bikers mustache!

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son
playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get
the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are
getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.

Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come
out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are
disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you
will ride with us again soon.

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all
of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.

We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about
the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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