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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations
with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to
cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling
yourself".

One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All
excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is
surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to
try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minutes slap and tickle, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure
enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctors
orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face,
bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in
the air!"


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One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to
escape the cold.

The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his
little flee legs.

Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'.

The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so
very coldddd!"

The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the
airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come
along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm".

The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea.

The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches
again.

The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his
little flea legs.

About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling
about how cold he was.

The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here
nice and warm?"

To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode
and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so
very warm.

Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I
was, right back on that bikers mustache!


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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son
playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get
the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are
getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.


Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come
out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are
disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you
will ride with us again soon.

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all
of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.

We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about
the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."


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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course
when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner
didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the
company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a
living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini
sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look?..."

"I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked
through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the
window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!

What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The
bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the
neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a
lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are
you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a
thousand dollars here....."


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