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An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive
tactics.

That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes.

Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as
several men had already been bitten.

So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander
demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as
proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.

The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk.

He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake.

Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note.

The note said, "I missed!"



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A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on
the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance: A dog, a donkey, a
shovel, a fish, a Star of David.

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three
thousand years old.

They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists
from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was
the meaning of the markings.

The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This
looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to
have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol
resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the
soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help
them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had
a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for
food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently
Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to
see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to
every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all,
everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left......
Now, look again..... It now says:

"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"


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Preacher and Cabbie

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been
awarded a higher place than he. I don't understand, he complained to Saint Peter. I
devoted my entire life to my congregation.

Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results, Saint Peter explained. Now, was your
congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?

Well, the minister had to admit, some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.

Exactly, said Saint Peter. And when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed
awake, they prayed nonstop.




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In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the
night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here,
you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I
think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems
there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do ya think it's
the light that's attractin' them?"



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