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There was an atheist who's boat was drowned in the ocean.
He started to swim to the beach. All of the sudden he
sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming
like crazy. The beach is a ways off and he starts swimming
faster and faster. He's scared to death, and as he turns
to see the jaws of the shark open revealing its teeth,
the atheist screams, "Oh God! Please help me!"
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines
down from above. The man is motionless in the water when
he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist.
Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true
I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you
make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted
back into the heavens and the man could feel the water
begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the
shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden
the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast
closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you
Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."


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A woman find a burglar in her house with a bunch of
stuff he was stealing from her house. Not having any
kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hands
and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture.
The burglar froze in place and didn't move.
The woman called 911, the police arrived and were
amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood.
"What did you say to him that kept him from moving?"
they asked the woman.
She told them that she had simply said 'Acts 2:38'
and quoted scripture.
The police took the burglar out to the station.
"Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so
much?" they asked.
"Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said
she had an ax and two 38's!"


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Q: why did the washing machine laugh?
A: Because it taking the piss out of the pants.


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Q: How many Irishman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the
room starts spinning.


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