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Once there were two twins, Joe and John.
Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old
boat, which sank the same day that John's
wife died. A few days later, a kindly old
woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You
must just feel terrible."
"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to
be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing
right from the beginning. Her bottom was
all shriveled up and she smelled like old
dead fish. She was always losing her water,
she had a bad crack in the back and a
pretty big hole in the front too. Every
time I used her, her hole got bigger and
she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally
finished her off was when I rented her to
these four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn't very good,
but they wanted to use her anyhow. The
fools tried to get in her all at once
and she split right up the middle."


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Jones came into the office an hour
late for the third time in one week
and found the boss waiting for him.
"What's the story this time, Jones?"
he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear
a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong
this morning, Boss. The wife decided
to drive me to the station. She got
ready in ten minutes, but then the
drawbridge got stuck. Rather than
let you down, I swam across the river
-look, my suit's still damp, ran out
to the airport, got a ride on Mr.
Thompson's helicopter, landed on top
of Radio City Music Hall, and was
carried here piggyback by one of the
Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that,
Jones," said the boss, obviously
disappointed. "No woman can get ready
in ten minutes."


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City Boy: "Say, Dad, how many
types of milk are there?"
Father: "Well, there's evaporated
milk, buttermilk, malted milk,
and -- but why do you ask?"
City Boy: "Oh, I'm drawing a
picture of a cow, and I want
to know how many 'spigots' to
put on her.


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The pastor shocked the congregation
when he announced that he was resigning
from the church and moving to a drier
climate. After the service, a very
distraught lady came to the pastor
with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor
Bob, we are going to miss you so much.
We don't want you to leave!" The kind
hearted pastor patted her hand and
said "Now, now, Mary, don't carry on.
The pastor who takes my place might
be even better than me".
"Yeah", she said, with a tone of
disappointment in her voice, "That's
what they said the last time too..."


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