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A man walked into a therapist's office
looking very depressed.
"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't
go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have
no luck with the ladies. No matter how
hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem.
You just need to work on your self-esteem.
Each morning, I want you to get up and run
to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that
you are a good person, a fun person, and an
attractive person. But say it with real
conviction. Within a week you'll have women
buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and
walked out of the office a bit excited.
Three weeks later he returned with the same
downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several
weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments
in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied.
"My wife does."


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The psychology instructor had just finished a
lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression,
she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who
walks back and forth screaming at the top of his
lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping
uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered,
"A basketball coach?"


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A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention.
Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.
One said to the other three, "People are always coming
to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one
that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why
don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable
desire to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things
and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their
money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling
drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not
supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep
a secret..."


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Peter: My brother's on a seafood diet.
Brandon: Really?
Peter: Yes, the more he sees food the more he eats!


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