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A man suspects his wife is having an affair, so he goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. Not
having much money he chooses a male parrot with one leg.

He takes the bird home and ties its penis to the perch in the bird cage to allow it to
stand.

"When I go to work you keep an eye on my wife and tell me what happens" the man told his
parrot.

When the man returns from work later that day, he asks the parrot if
anything happened when he was out.

"Well" said the parrot, "the milkman came to the door".

"Then?" demanded the man.

"Your wife went to the door."

"Then??"

"She let him in."

"Then what?"

"They started making out in the living room."

"Then what?" cried the exasperated man.

"Then I got a hard-on and fell off the perch!"



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Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the
first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks
around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to
the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some
furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the
door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on
the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take
your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"


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A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy
suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this
boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't really know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath
underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't really know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't really know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, "Dad, do you mind me asking you all of
these questions?"

"Of course not son. How else are you ever going to learn anything?" replied his father.


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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in
on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one
hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand.
How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest says,

"Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and going 'no shit?!
what happened next?'"


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