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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in
on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one
hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand.
How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest says,

"Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and going 'no shit?!
what happened next?'"


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Things to say to telemarketers

The police photographer is still here, and the county medical examiner hasn't released the
body to the coroner yet. Can you call back a little later?

What's that you say? Speak up, please, will you? The battery has run down on my hearing
aid. Louder, please, louder. Is that the best you can do? I'm afraid we're just not
communicating.

I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby is due any minute now. Quick someone, get some
hot water. Lots of it. Sorry, gotta hurry now, don't go away.

Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call back. The better business people said I need
more positive identification to file my complaint. Now first let me have your name and
telephone number...


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It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the
students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin
snow plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who
went to move 26 cars please return to class."


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During the French revolution, hundreds of people were guillotined. One day, three men were
led up to die. One was a lawyer, one was a doctor, and the third was an engineer.

The lawyer was to die first. He was led to the guillotine, the attending priest blessed
him, and he knelt with his head on the guillotine.

The blade was released, but stopped halfway down its path. The priest, seeing an
opportunity, quickly said, "Gentlemen, God has spoken and said this man is to be spared;
we cannot kill him." The executioner agreed, and the lawyer was set free.

The doctor was next. He was blessed by the priest, then knelt and placed his head down.
The blade was released, and again stopped halfway down.

Again the priest intervened: "Gentlemen, God has again spoken; we cannot kill this man."
The executioner agreed and the doctor was set free.

At last it was the engineer's turn. He was blessed by the priest, and knelt, but before he
placed his head on the guillotine he looked up. Suddenly, he leapt to his feet and cried,
"Oh, I see the problem!"


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