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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove
box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and
stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded
by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't
have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in
the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!


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While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young woman in a short,
form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes
followed her.

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was it worth the
trouble you're in?"


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An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the
scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen.

With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor
to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of
energy, the old man reached for a cookie.

His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave
them alone, they're for the funeral!"


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Helen Clark the New Zealand PM, was flying a hot air balloon realised she was lost. She
reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

She descended a bit more and shouted, Excuse me, can you help me?'

'I promised a friend I would meet her an hour ago, but I dont know where I am.

The man below replied, Youre in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above
the ground. Youre between 40-41 North latitude and between 59-60 West longitude.

You must be an engineer, said Helen.

I am, said the man, how did you know?

Well answered Helen, everything you told me is technicaly correct, but Ive no idea
what to make of your information, and the fact is Im still lost.

Frankly, youve not been much help at all. If anything, youve delayed my trip.

The man below responded, You must be the leader of the labour party.

I am, replied Helen, how did you know?

Well, said the man, you dont know where you are or where youre going. You have risen
to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which youve no
idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now,
somehow its my fault.


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