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Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's
response times.

"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut
our emergency response time by ten percent."

The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But
by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average response time by 20

Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said,
"That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency
response time in half!"

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In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up
milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a very rare and precious
piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said
the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and probably half wild, but I'm eccentric.
I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The
kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so
far this week I've sold 12 cats."

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Little Johnny had a cursing problem and his father was getting tired of it.

He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he
wanted Santa to bring him. If he cursed he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the

Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a
goddamned teddy-bear laying right fucking there beside me when I wake-up Christmas

Then when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned
tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the
damn garage!"

Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit.

Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree.
Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.

When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his Dad smiled and asked, "So
Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a goddamned dog but I can't find the son of a bitch."

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A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly
pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour
over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took
off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he
became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an
embankment and hit a tree.

His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she
replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put
this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver.

Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in
that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

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