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An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar
was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to
stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to
his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He
crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull
himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his
head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been
out drinking again!"

"What makes you say that?"

he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."



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A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her
figure, especially when she walked.

Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door.


Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?"

"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.

He replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."


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A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face.

She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face
and looks more puzzled.

Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"


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POSITION TITLE: Mom

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic
environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing
to work various hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour
shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy
weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities.

Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
(for the rest of your life)
Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60
mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not
someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework
projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and
mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and
battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete
accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the
facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining,
constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can
ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting
basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they
turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially
independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary
scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid
holidays and no stock options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities for
personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

SPECIAL NOTE:
No credit will ever be noted in your permanent file for work performed correctly.


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