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As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month of Commercial
Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children as they visit toy stores
and toy departments all over the country.

It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother to the toy
department in a big Los Angeles department store. Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the
line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the
hobby horse.

As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Wilbert vanished from the Santa
Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse.

His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the
horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off.

Wilbert ignored her. She began to beg; Wilbert paid no attention. She began to make
promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Wilbert would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his
nasty little tongue out at her.

Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of
his eye, stepped over and said to Wilbert's mother, "Perhaps I can persuade your son to
cooperate."

"I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're welcome to try."

Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilbert's ear.

Wilbert's eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mother's hand.
Together, with no fuss, they left the store.

As they drove home, Mama asked Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him. Wilbert was
silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate cake) if Wilbert would only
tell Mama what Santa's words were. Wilbert turned pale and wouldn't utter a word.

What had Santa said? Wilbert's mother was determined to find out. She had never been able
to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her
part to discover what magick Santa Claus had used on Wilbert.

She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Wilbert's stubborn
streak finally faded. What did Santa say?

Wilbert now answered: "He said, 'Listen, you little son of a bitch, if you don't climb
your ass the hell down off that horse right this second, I'm going to beat the heck out of
you!' "



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A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.

He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through
traffic around
town.

He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like
was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 10 seconds or less and my
birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new set of bathroom scales.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.


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Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was
much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her, and she showed him into her quaint sitting
room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting
on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of
him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months
ago, and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the
organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease."

"And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."



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It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all
kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there,
who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing
negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him),
and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate
love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs,
potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring,
he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and
that we should do something special for you.

I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said,
"The breakfast was my idea."


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