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A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.

He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through
traffic around

He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like
was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 10 seconds or less and my
birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new set of bathroom scales.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

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Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was
much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her, and she showed him into her quaint sitting
room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting
on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of
him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months
ago, and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the
organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease."

"And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."

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It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all
kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there,
who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him),
and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate
love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs,
potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring,
he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and
that we should do something special for you.

I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said,
"The breakfast was my idea."

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Bob and Earl were best friends and had been for 50 years. They went to baseball games
together and had the best time possible.

They truly loved the game but they always wondered if there was baseball in heaven and
agreed that whoever died first had to call the other guy and tell them if there was
baseball in heaven.

Then one night Earl died and then a few days later Bob went to his funeral and came home
after the burial service.

Then the phone rang it was Earl.
Earl said,"Bob is this you"
Bob said,"Yes, Earl how are you doing and is there baseball in heaven?"

Earl said,"Well I've got some good news and some bad news."
Bob said, "Whats the good news?"

Earl said, "Well there is baseball in heaven and you can play with Babe Ruth and everybody
its great"

Bob said, "Then what's the bad news?"

Earl said, "Well Bob, your starting pitching tommorow night!"

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