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During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any
suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.

After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come
across was, er, female juices.

"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.

"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"


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Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death.

The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed,
Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to
write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit
of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his
jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same
jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it,
but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"


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It was my 30th birthday and I wasn't feeling too great when I woke up that morning.

I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and
probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday."

I figured, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came
down to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my
office, my secretary Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday."

I felt a little better - at least someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it is such a
beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a
little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't
need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to
my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, she smiled at me and said, "If you don't mind, I think
I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

Mad at my wife for forgetting about my birthday, not to mention that Janet was quite
beautiful, I felt justified in staying. "Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a few minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday
cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.

They were all singing Happy Birthday... and there I sat on the couch... naked.


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"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done"
replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious
operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be
castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart,
down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient,
who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to
be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”


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