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A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom.

He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the
horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast
on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of
having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why
didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn't about
to start now!"


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Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are
unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see
each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a
solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?

For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left
breast one time.

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.

"The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if
you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"


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Four brothers left home for college and they became successful doctors and lawyers and
prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they
were able to give their elderly mother who lived in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had a Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read
anymore because she can't see very well."

"Well I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It
took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year
for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it."

"Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

Mama wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have
to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but
all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it.
Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay at home and I have my groceries delivered, so I
never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to
your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank You."


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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment... Get their parents to tell them a
story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when
we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise
chickens for the meat market.

We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the
moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.

Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine
gun and a machete.

She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the
middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the
last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you
from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f#ck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."



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