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On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is
a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike." The cop then
proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse
you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of
on top."



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At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris
should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may
overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock"
on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year
old groom ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a
few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he
is ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done,
Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it, Morris is back again, rapping on
the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they
enjoy each other.

But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly
impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys
less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover,
Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"



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A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a
sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."

A second little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have
lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!"



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A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the
upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber??

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor,
"Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for
me?"

"What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" was his response.

Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in
the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on
the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer
and watched a game on tv.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof
was gone!

Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind
the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked,
"Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one
of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything."

"Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband.

"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with
him." she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband.

"Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?



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