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Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one
night, the drunk yuppie led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the friends asked.

"Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriouiouously?"

(burping) "Yup."

"Hmmm (hic)."

"How's it work?" the second friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watshhh," the yuppie replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and
stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment in silence.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For f***'s sake you idiot, it's
ten past three in the morning."


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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the
Mother Superior was that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room,
strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" called one of
the nuns.

"Blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a
blind man into the room, so they open the door.

"Nice boobs," said the man. "Where do you want these venetian blinds to be hung?"


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A teacher notices that a little Jonny at the back of the class is squirming around,
scratching his crotch and not paying attention.

She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just
recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy.

The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mum and ask her
what he should do about it.

He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a
general commotion at the back of the room.

Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom" she says.

"I did" he says, "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick
me up from school."


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A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the
wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income.

The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of
the building if she had any questions or problems.

A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him
to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband.

The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at
which he cried, "That's too much!" He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him
to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.

The husband said "Ask for $40." The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that
this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal
of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was well hung.

She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her
husband asked "Now what?" The wife replied "Can I borrow $60?"


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