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A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace
looking at the goods when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come
in, come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested
in. They make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but
her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try them on,"

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them
on.� As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes,
something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table,
yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the
Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming; YOU GOT THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!!!



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1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly
things here, and drink whatever comes out of them?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next
thing that comes out of it's butt."

3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which
no decent human being would eat?

4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he
fix a hole in a boat?

8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their
crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

9. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up
there anyway?

10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

11. If Wile E Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap why didn't he just buy
dinner?

12. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

13. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

14. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

15. Stop singing and read on............

16. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

17. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a
hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

18. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when
you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

19. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?



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A flea died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met it at the gate and explained that it could
choose how it could spend the rest of eternity.

SP: "Have you thought about it? Do you know how you'd like to spend the rest of
eternity?"

Flea: "Yes St. Peter, I have thought about it, I'd like to spend the rest of eternity on
the back of a rich lady's dog."

SP: "So be it, it's done."

A few weeks later St. Peter was wondering about the flea and so he called.

SP: "Flea, how are you doing?"

Flea: "Oh St. Peter, I made a terrible mistake. This old broad washes her dog two to three
times a day, she perfumes it, and I'm nauseous and I have a headache from the smell."

SP: "Well you know that you aren't supposed to get more than one choice on how to spend
the rest of eternity, but you are supposed to be happy. Have you thought about what else
you might like to do?"

Flea: "Oh yes, St. Peter! I have thought about it and I'm sorry I didn't bring it up
before, I'd like to spend it in Willie Nelson's beard."

SP: "So be it, it's done."

Out of curiosity St. Peter checked on the flea a few weeks later.

SP: "Hello flea, how are you doing now?"

Flea: "I'm sorry St. Peter, I'm not doing well at all. I get woke up in the middle of the
night, get drenched with beer, foul language all the time and I keep getting woozy with
some white powder that flies around. It's Hell, St. Peter, I'm miserable!"

SP: "You know, flea, you're not supposed to be able to change your mind about how you
spend the rest of eternity, but you say this is 'Hell,' have you considered what else you
might like to do?"

Flea: "Oh, St. Peter, YES! I have thought about it, and I have decided that I'd like to
spend the rest of eternity in Dolly Parton's bush."

SP: "So be it, it's done."

Not being able to stand his curiosity, St. Peter decided to check on the flea again after
a few weeks.

SP: "How's it going flea?"

Flea: "Oh, hi St. Peter, well, it's kind of strange... You see there was this big party.
There was lots of singing and dancing, I got bounced around a lot and there was this weird
smoke in the air that made me dizzy.
There were hands all over me and I don't quite remember all that happened, but would you
believe it? I'm back in Willie Nelson's beard!"



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In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?"

"How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher.

"Forty." she replies.

"Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

"Well, dear, how old is your sister?"

The little girl answers, "Nineteen."

"Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

"How old are you, dear?"

The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old."

"No, dear, you can't get pregnant..."

Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we
had nothing to worry about."


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