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1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly
things here, and drink whatever comes out of them?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next
thing that comes out of it's butt."

3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which
no decent human being would eat?

4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he
fix a hole in a boat?

8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their
crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

9. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up
there anyway?

10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

11. If Wile E Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap why didn't he just buy

12. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

13. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

14. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

15. Stop singing and read on............

16. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

17. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a
hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

18. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when
you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

19. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

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A flea died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met it at the gate and explained that it could
choose how it could spend the rest of eternity.

SP: "Have you thought about it? Do you know how you'd like to spend the rest of

Flea: "Yes St. Peter, I have thought about it, I'd like to spend the rest of eternity on
the back of a rich lady's dog."

SP: "So be it, it's done."

A few weeks later St. Peter was wondering about the flea and so he called.

SP: "Flea, how are you doing?"

Flea: "Oh St. Peter, I made a terrible mistake. This old broad washes her dog two to three
times a day, she perfumes it, and I'm nauseous and I have a headache from the smell."

SP: "Well you know that you aren't supposed to get more than one choice on how to spend
the rest of eternity, but you are supposed to be happy. Have you thought about what else
you might like to do?"

Flea: "Oh yes, St. Peter! I have thought about it and I'm sorry I didn't bring it up
before, I'd like to spend it in Willie Nelson's beard."

SP: "So be it, it's done."

Out of curiosity St. Peter checked on the flea a few weeks later.

SP: "Hello flea, how are you doing now?"

Flea: "I'm sorry St. Peter, I'm not doing well at all. I get woke up in the middle of the
night, get drenched with beer, foul language all the time and I keep getting woozy with
some white powder that flies around. It's Hell, St. Peter, I'm miserable!"

SP: "You know, flea, you're not supposed to be able to change your mind about how you
spend the rest of eternity, but you say this is 'Hell,' have you considered what else you
might like to do?"

Flea: "Oh, St. Peter, YES! I have thought about it, and I have decided that I'd like to
spend the rest of eternity in Dolly Parton's bush."

SP: "So be it, it's done."

Not being able to stand his curiosity, St. Peter decided to check on the flea again after
a few weeks.

SP: "How's it going flea?"

Flea: "Oh, hi St. Peter, well, it's kind of strange... You see there was this big party.
There was lots of singing and dancing, I got bounced around a lot and there was this weird
smoke in the air that made me dizzy.
There were hands all over me and I don't quite remember all that happened, but would you
believe it? I'm back in Willie Nelson's beard!"

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In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?"

"How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher.

"Forty." she replies.

"Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

"Well, dear, how old is your sister?"

The little girl answers, "Nineteen."

"Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

"How old are you, dear?"

The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old."

"No, dear, you can't get pregnant..."

Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we
had nothing to worry about."

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In the rural south, occasionally you will find an older gentleman who still uses a mule to
make a garden.

Until he was 72, my father used one and contended that if you knew what you were doing
with a good mule, you never needed a hoe for the grass.

Well, there was this old man who had been using a mule for years and it finally died on
him. Seeing as he really needed a large garden to hold down food costs, he made a trip to
see the mule dealer.

Admittedly, they are rare, but they still exist.

At the dealer's place he was surprised at how much prices for mules had increased in the
last 20 years - mules live a long time.

After examining the available stock and the leanness of his wallet (he only had $125), he
concluded he would have to settle for a mule almost as old as himself.

After extensive haggling with the dealer, they settled on a price, the old man made
arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up his purchase, and the
dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him.

Early the next day, the old man returned to be faced with some bad news.

"Jim," said the mule dealer, "that old mule died last night. I'm real sorry to have to
tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring garden."

Jim replied, "Well bad luck is bad luck, you really can't do anything about it. Where's
the mule now?"

"Oh, he's out back, I was just getting out the backhoe to bury him. Hold on a minute while
I get your money for you."

"No, that wouldn't be right, I bought it, you were just holding him as a favor, it's my
loss, not yours. But, if you will help me load him in the truck, I'll see if I can recover
a little for him at the dog food plant."

Well, Jim loads up the mule and drives off. A couple of months later the mule dealer
happens to drive by Jim's place and is astonished to see Jim working his garden on a NEW
$4,000 garden tractor.

Leaning on the pickup horn, he calls Jim over and asks him how in the world he managed
such a piece of equipment when a couple of months before all he had was $125 for a mule
and the mule had died on him.

"Well," Jim explains, "after leaving with the mule, I had this idea and I stopped off at
the local print shop and had 2,500 $2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize... Gardening
Equipment. Then I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town."

"Yeah, out where did you get the gardening equipment?"

"From you."

"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."

"Like I said, I got it from you."

"Man, all you got from me was a dead mule."

"I know. That's what I raffled off."

"My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule? I'll bet it really made a lot of people
mad when they found out about it."

"Naw, not really. The only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his money

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