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In the rural south, occasionally you will find an older gentleman who still uses a mule to
make a garden.

Until he was 72, my father used one and contended that if you knew what you were doing
with a good mule, you never needed a hoe for the grass.

Well, there was this old man who had been using a mule for years and it finally died on
him. Seeing as he really needed a large garden to hold down food costs, he made a trip to
see the mule dealer.

Admittedly, they are rare, but they still exist.

At the dealer's place he was surprised at how much prices for mules had increased in the
last 20 years - mules live a long time.

After examining the available stock and the leanness of his wallet (he only had $125), he
concluded he would have to settle for a mule almost as old as himself.

After extensive haggling with the dealer, they settled on a price, the old man made
arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up his purchase, and the
dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him.

Early the next day, the old man returned to be faced with some bad news.

"Jim," said the mule dealer, "that old mule died last night. I'm real sorry to have to
tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring garden."

Jim replied, "Well bad luck is bad luck, you really can't do anything about it. Where's
the mule now?"

"Oh, he's out back, I was just getting out the backhoe to bury him. Hold on a minute while
I get your money for you."

"No, that wouldn't be right, I bought it, you were just holding him as a favor, it's my
loss, not yours. But, if you will help me load him in the truck, I'll see if I can recover
a little for him at the dog food plant."

Well, Jim loads up the mule and drives off. A couple of months later the mule dealer
happens to drive by Jim's place and is astonished to see Jim working his garden on a NEW
$4,000 garden tractor.

Leaning on the pickup horn, he calls Jim over and asks him how in the world he managed
such a piece of equipment when a couple of months before all he had was $125 for a mule
and the mule had died on him.

"Well," Jim explains, "after leaving with the mule, I had this idea and I stopped off at
the local print shop and had 2,500 $2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize... Gardening
Equipment. Then I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town."

"Yeah, out where did you get the gardening equipment?"

"From you."

"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."

"Like I said, I got it from you."

"Man, all you got from me was a dead mule."

"I know. That's what I raffled off."

"My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule? I'll bet it really made a lot of people
mad when they found out about it."

"Naw, not really. The only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his money

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The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked
them how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

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A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven
at the same moment.

They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the
Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer
apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets,
a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and
a swimming pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and
the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made.

He asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was
the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the
finest of everything?"

The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of popes here, but you're the first
lawyer we've ever had."

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A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find
herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age

On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed and waited for him to come out of
the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection
and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand, the sound of a woman
screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"

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