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An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. " Mildly irritated, he reached
across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"



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Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the
bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. 'Hey
Jack, you're a betting kinda man aren't ya?' 'Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind.' 'Well
Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss
into it without spilling a drop.' Jack thought to himself, 'This guy must be a complete
moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand I've ever
made.' 'Okay Bob. you're on.' Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned
a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, 'Okay Bob, Let's see what
you got.' Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top,
all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell
over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. 'What are you smiling at
jackass, you just lost $1,000.' 'Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat
writing out a check.' 'Yeah, what about him.' 'Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could
piss all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldn't you be mad,
you would laugh hysterically about it.'



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In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's
driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car
and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."

"Great," replied the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob
sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself.

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"


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An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for
a cup of coffee.

The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee, on
him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a
booth, painfully sat down, and asked for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "my treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to
a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold
glass of Coke!"

He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"

The waitress once again nodded that it was, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass
of Coke, "on my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed."

The Irishman felt the strength come back to his legs, got up and danced a jig right out
the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are
healed."

The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord
and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked up to the Redneck.

The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me... I'm drawin' disability!"


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