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In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's
driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car
and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."

"Great," replied the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob
sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself.

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"


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An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for
a cup of coffee.

The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee, on
him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a
booth, painfully sat down, and asked for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "my treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to
a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold
glass of Coke!"

He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"

The waitress once again nodded that it was, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass
of Coke, "on my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed."

The Irishman felt the strength come back to his legs, got up and danced a jig right out
the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are
healed."

The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord
and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked up to the Redneck.

The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me... I'm drawin' disability!"


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Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the
first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks
around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to
the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some
furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the
door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on
the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take
your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"


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Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.

Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said

"Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane."

And every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten
dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So Stumpy says "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old. If I don't go this time I may nevah
go."

Martha replies "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten
dollahs."

So the pilot overhears them and says "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up
for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge
you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."

They agree and up they go.The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives,
but not a word is heard.

He does it one more time, still nothing. So he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could
think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."

And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out, but ten dollahs
is ten dollahs!"



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