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Remember, there are three religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian church.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters


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Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he
read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed
of being just like his hero.

One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse
and two pistols.

He went home and every day he went out behind his barn, and practiced shooting. After two
weeks he was getting to be quite a good shot. He decided it was time to show off.

He put on his black clothes and hat, strapped on his guns and rode into town. When he
walked into the saloon, standing at the bar he saw Billy the Kidd.

He was so excited! He walked up and said, "Mr. Kidd, I am your biggest fan. I have always
wanted to be just like you." "Look at me. Do I look like a gunfighter?"

Billy looked him over and said, "Well, you have the right clothes and you have a nice
black hat, and I see you rode up on a black horse. But, can you shoot?"

Marvin looked around the room and said, "See that piano player over there?" He drew his
pistol and fired, shooting the cufflink off the piano player's shirt.

Billy said, "Not bad. Can you shoot with your left hand? A gunfighter's got to be able to
shoot with both hands."

Marvin drew his other pistol and fired, shooting off the piano player's other cufflink.

Billy said, "That's mighty fine shooting. I just have one piece of advice for you."

Marvin was bubbling with excitement, "What is it? What else should I do?"

Billy spoke slowly, "Well, go back into the kitchen there and get a big tub of lard. Take
both of your pistols and rub them around in the lard, get them good and slick."

Marvin was puzzled. He asked, "Why is that important? What good will rubbing my pistols in
lard do?"

Billy replied, "It won't help your shooting at all, but when Wyatt Earp finishes playing
the piano over there he's going to shove both of your pistols up your ass."


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A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It
was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the
chalkboard.

Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked,
"What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom!" she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the
assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.

Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks,

"What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!"

This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks." She
says.

Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends over to pick it up.
This time there is an all out belly laugh from another male student.

She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where
do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."



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A Kiwi guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands.

He walks into a bar and Jill (the Kiwi Barmaid) takes his order, a Speights, and notices
his accent.

Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex
with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no.

He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.

Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders a Speights and after showing her plenty of
attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders a Speights and sits in the corner.

Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some
more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in New Zealand and he tells her: "Nelson".

"So am I... What suburb in Nelson?"

"Wakatu" he replies.

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Leach Place" he replies.

"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"

He says "Number 7" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 9! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS KIWI THINKS KIWI!

Good on ya mate


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