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A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller's tent.
Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

"Ah..." said the woman, as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of
two children."

"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of Three children."

The woman grinned and said, "That's what you think."


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Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.

When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for.

He answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first
opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you
here for?"

The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a
collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidently bumped into the
table and broke them all."

The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for.

The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the
shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like
a wild animal!"

"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.

The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails done."


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Remember, there are three religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian church.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters


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Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he
read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed
of being just like his hero.

One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse
and two pistols.

He went home and every day he went out behind his barn, and practiced shooting. After two
weeks he was getting to be quite a good shot. He decided it was time to show off.

He put on his black clothes and hat, strapped on his guns and rode into town. When he
walked into the saloon, standing at the bar he saw Billy the Kidd.

He was so excited! He walked up and said, "Mr. Kidd, I am your biggest fan. I have always
wanted to be just like you." "Look at me. Do I look like a gunfighter?"

Billy looked him over and said, "Well, you have the right clothes and you have a nice
black hat, and I see you rode up on a black horse. But, can you shoot?"

Marvin looked around the room and said, "See that piano player over there?" He drew his
pistol and fired, shooting the cufflink off the piano player's shirt.

Billy said, "Not bad. Can you shoot with your left hand? A gunfighter's got to be able to
shoot with both hands."

Marvin drew his other pistol and fired, shooting off the piano player's other cufflink.

Billy said, "That's mighty fine shooting. I just have one piece of advice for you."

Marvin was bubbling with excitement, "What is it? What else should I do?"

Billy spoke slowly, "Well, go back into the kitchen there and get a big tub of lard. Take
both of your pistols and rub them around in the lard, get them good and slick."

Marvin was puzzled. He asked, "Why is that important? What good will rubbing my pistols in
lard do?"

Billy replied, "It won't help your shooting at all, but when Wyatt Earp finishes playing
the piano over there he's going to shove both of your pistols up your ass."


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