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Q: How do you tell the Polish one at a cockfight?
A: He's the one with the duck.
Q: How do you tell the Italian?
A: He's the one betting on the duck.
Q: How do you tell if the mafia is there?
A: The duck wins!



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A local business was looking for office help.
They put a sign in the window, stating the
following: "Help Wanted. Must be able to type,
must be good with a computer and must be bilingual.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short
time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window,
saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the
receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked
over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the
office manager. The office manager looked at
the dog and was surprised, to say the least.
However, the dog looked determined, so he lead
him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up
on the chair and stared at the manager. The
manager said,"I can't hire you. The sign says
you have to be able to type." The dog jumped
down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to
type out a perfect letter. He took out the page
and trotted over to the manager and gave it to
him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager
was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign
says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the
computer. The dog proceeded to enter and
execute a perfect program, that worked
flawlessly the first time. By this time the
manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked
at the dog and said, "I realize that you are
a very intelligent dog and have some interesting
abilities. However, I still can't give you the
job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy
of the sign and put his paw on the sentences
that told about being an Equal Opportunity
Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign
also says that you have to be bilingual".
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said,
"Meow". A local business was looking for
office help. They put a sign in the window,
stating the following: "Help Wanted. Must be
able to type, must be good with a computer
and must be bilingual. We are an Equal
Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards,
a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign
and went inside. He looked at the receptionist
and wagged his tail, then walked over to the
sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea,
the receptionist got the office manager. The
office manager looked at the dog and was
surprised, to say the least. However, the dog
looked determined, so he lead him into the
office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair
and stared at the manager. The manager said,
"I can't hire you. The sign says you have to
be able to type." The dog jumped down, went
to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a
perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted
over to the manager and gave it to him, then
jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned,
but then told the dog "the sign says you have to
be good with a computer." The dog jumped down
again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded
to enter and execute a perfect program, that
worked flawlessly the first time. By this
time the manager was totally dumb-founded!
He looked at the dog and said, "I realize
that you are a very intelligent dog and
have some interesting abilities. However,
I still can't give you the job." The dog
jumped down and went to a copy of the sign
and put his paw on the sentences that told
about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said "yes, but the sign also
says that you have to be bilingual". The dog
looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow".
A local business was looking for office help.
They put a sign in the window, stating the
following: "Help Wanted. Must be able to type,
must be good with a computer and must be
bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to
the window, saw the sign and went inside. He
looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail,
then walked over to the sign, looked at it
and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist
got the office manager. The office manager
looked at the dog and was surprised, to say
the least. However, the dog looked determined,
so he lead him into the office. Inside, the
dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the
manager. The manager said,"I can't hire you.
The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter
and proceeded to type out a perfect letter.
He took out the page and trotted over to the
manager and gave it to him, then jumped back
on the chair. The manager was stunned, but
then told the dog "the sign says you have to
be good with a computer." The dog jumped down
again and went to the computer. The dog
proceeded to enter and execute a perfect
program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded!
He looked at the dog and said, "I realize
that you are a very intelligent dog and have
some interesting abilities. However, I still
can't give you the job." The dog jumped down
and went to a copy of the sign and put his
paw on the sentences that told about being
an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager
said "yes, but the sign also says that you
have to be bilingual". The dog looked at the
manager calmly and said, "Meow".


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A guy is having marital problems. He and the
wife are not communicating at all and he's
lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking
a pet might help. The store he happened into
specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the
rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.
Surprised he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs
onto the perch?"
The parrot says, "With my prick, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly
talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well
educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports,
religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says ,"Gee, you sound like just what
I was looking for."
The parrot says, "There's not much of a market
for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor
$20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months
things go great. When he comes home from work
the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the
A's won and so on.
One day the guy comes home from work and the
parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in
and shut the door."
The guy says, "What's up?" The parrot says,
"I don't know how to tell you this, but the
mailman came today. Your wife answered the door
in her negligee and he kissed her right on the
lips." The guy says, "Oh, A momentary flight of
passion."
The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled
her breasts." The guy says, "He did??"
The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee
down and started sucking on her breasts." The guy
says, "My God, what happened next?!?"
The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and
fell off my perch."



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One day Beethoven, on a temporary leave of his senses, was visiting
the New York Zoo, and pulling a bass violin out of its case, tucks it
under his massive chin, rosins up the bow, and begins playing the Ninth
Symphony. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo
keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper, using
the American Sign Language for the Deaf, explains to Beethoven that
the Zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and
the keeper fears that attendance at the Zoo will fall off. He offers
Beethoven a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get a new one.
Ludwig thought this a wonderful idea and accepted. So the next morning
he puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes.
He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and
make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as famous
composer. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just
swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more
attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the
attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across
a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this
makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day
the Zookeeper comes and gives Ludwig a raise for being such a good
attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, Beethoven keeps taunting
the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one
terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls.
Beethoven is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.
Ludwig is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with
the lion close behind. Finally, Beethoven starts screaming and yelling,
"Help! Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. Beethoven soon finds
himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says,
"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
And Beethoven says, "Huh? I can't hear you!
One day Beethoven, on a temporary leave of his senses, was visiting the
New York Zoo, and pulling a bass violin out of its case, tucks it under
his massive chin, rosins up the bow, and begins playing the Ninth Symphony.
Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs
him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper, using the American
Sign Language for the Deaf, explains to Beethoven that the Zoo's most
popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears
that attendance at the Zoo will fall off. He offers Beethoven a job to
dress up as the gorilla until they can get a new one. Ludwig thought
this a wonderful idea and accepted. So the next morning he puts on the
gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers
that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of
people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as famous composer.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging
on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention
to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention
of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition,
and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the
lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the Zookeeper
comes and gives Ludwig a raise for being such a good attraction. Well,
this goes on for some time, Beethoven keeps taunting the lion, the crowds
grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he
is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. Beethoven is terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. Ludwig is so scared that
he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, Beethoven starts screaming and yelling, "Help! Help me!", but
the lion is quick and pounces. Beethoven soon finds himself flat on his
back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot!
Do you want to get us both fired?"
And Beethoven says, "Huh? I can't hear you!
One day Beethoven, on a temporary leave of his senses, was visiting the
New York Zoo, and pulling a bass violin out of its case, tucks it under
his massive chin, rosins up the bow, and begins playing the Ninth Symphony.
Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs
him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper, using the American Sign
Language for the Deaf, explains to Beethoven that the Zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance
at the Zoo will fall off. He offers Beethoven a job to dress up as the
gorilla until they can get a new one. Ludwig thought this a wonderful idea
and accepted. So the next morning he puts on the gorilla suit and enters
the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can
sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds
than he ever did as famous composer. However, eventually the crowds tire of
him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the
people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of
his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's
cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At
the end of the day the Zookeeper comes and gives Ludwig a raise for being
such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, Beethoven keeps
taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips
and falls. Beethoven is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to
pounce. Ludwig is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage
with the lion close behind. Finally, Beethoven starts screaming and yelling,
"Help! Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. Beethoven soon finds
himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says,
"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
And Beethoven says, "Huh? I can't hear you!



Rate the joke: 1 2 3 4 5
24 people already rated this joke.
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Start your day smiling with a funny joke by SMS.