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John Cleese was on American TV recently and was asked
for the difference between English and American people.
In reply he said that there were three differences
(from the British viewpoint):
1. "We speak English and you don't."
2. "When we hold a World Championship for a particular
sport, we invite teams from other countries to play, too."
3. "When you meet the head of state in England, you only
have to go down on one knee."


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One day there was a plane that was going to crash
into a building. Inside the building there were actor,
actress, George W Bush, Osama Bin Ladin and one boy.
There were 4 parachute and 5 people so the actor said:
"I am so famous, if i will die, nobody will watch films",
and he took a parachute and jumped. The actress also
said this and jump.
Then Georgew Bush said: "I am the president of America.
If i will die, nobody will learn anything", and he jumped.
Then there was 1 parachute left, and 2 persons were
there - the boy and Osama Bin Ladin. So Osama Bin Ladin
said to the boy: "I am not afraid of dying, you go".
The boy answered: "Bush uncle took my small bag and
jumped, now we both can go together."


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An elderly man emigrating to Israel was asked
by a customs officer to open his suitcases.
Inside the first bag were bundles of one dollar bills.
"How did you acquire this money?"
"You're not going to believe but for years I've
traveled around the United States and everywhere
I went I visited men's public rest rooms. Every
time I found a man peeing I would take out my
knife and tell the peeing man, 'Give me a dollar
for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles'".
"That's a very interesting story. And what's in
your other bag?"
"You wouldn't believe how many people don't
support Israel."


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Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering
who to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein" a heavily-accented voice said.
"This is Yitzhak down in Tel Aviv, Israel.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially
declaring war on you!"
"Well, Yitzhak," Saddam replied, "This is important
news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Yitzhak after a
moment's calculation, "there is me, my cousin Saul,
my next-door neighbor Shlomo, and the entire
pinnochle team from the deli-that makes eight!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Yitzhak, that I
have one million men in my army waiting to move
on my command."
"Oy vey!" said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Yitzhak rang back.
"Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We
have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Yitzhak?"
Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer
and Goldberg's tractor from the kibbutz."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you,
Yitzhak, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14
thousand armored personnel carriers, and my
army has increased to one and a half million
since we last spoke."
"Really?!" said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring
you back!" Sure enough, Yitzhak rang again the next day.
"Right, Mr.Hussein, the war is still on! We have
managed to get ourselves airborne! We've
modified Moshe's ultralight with a couple
of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team
has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed.
"I must tell you Yitzhak that I have 10 thousand
bombers, 20 thousand MIG-19 attack planes,
my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided
surface-to-air missile sites, and since we
last spoke, my army has increased to two million."
"Oy gevalt!", said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring
you back." Sure enough, Yitzhak called again
the next day.
"Right, Mr Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that
we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the
sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Yitzhak, "We've all had a chat,
and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."


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